Potter Wars!!!!!!!!
by JaffaCake
Summary: My first fanfiction, so I hope it's not too bad. Please read and review. I'll even accept flames. If you can't tell from the title, this is a Potter/Star Wars parody. Enjoy!!!!!
1. Default Chapter Title

"Recently, in a galaxy that's pretty near by lightspeed standards but is actually far, far away."  
  
POTTER WARS!!!!  
  
By Thomas Park ( a.k.a. Huey Escobar )  
  
Potter Wars: Episode IV  
  
Hopefully A New Hope  
  
The galaxy is a dark place. The evil emperor Voldemort  
  
"and his army of Death Eaters has taken over the galaxy, and everywhere people were repressed and broken. Furthermore, a terrible battlestation, the Dark Mark, with unspeakable powers, is being built to further Lord Voldemort's power. But, in the midst of all the tyranny, rises a rebellion. The rebellion managed to acquire the battlestation's plans, and is now racing towards Number 4 Privet Drive to contact the courageous general McGonagall."  
  
" The stars were bright and shining. Out of nowhere, a tiny courier ship broke the silence. Its engines screamed as it raced towards a brown planet. Following, in hot pursuit, was a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really big ship."  
  
" The huge ship pummeled the tiny ship with spells shot by giant wands, strategically placed at different points on the huge ship."  
"Inside the tiny ship milled two hapless creatures. One was a house elf, dressed in gold tin by his master, since he couldn't wear clothes. The other was a tiny owl that controlled a moving trashcan. Why? No one knows."  
  
" "" Pigwidgeon!"" whined the elf. "" I knows not what is going on!"""  
  
" The owl inside the mobile trash can hooted happily. The elf, who spoke every single language except for jive, understood him and replied, "" No, I haves no time to play Tiddywinks!"""  
  
" An ominous sound resounded throughout the ship. "" What was that?"" squealed the house elf. All around him wizards raced towards the docking door and pulled out their wands. Time seemed to slow down as several minutes passed by quietly. All of a sudden, sparks showered around the door and it exploded. Through the smoke, several Killing spells shot through, taking down some of the rebel wizards. An enormous gunfight, excuse me, wandfight, erupted as dark hooded wizards came pouring through the door."  
  
" "" Oh no! We's doomed!"" screamed the house elf. He immediately ran screaming after Pigwidgeon."  
  
" Elsewhere in the ship, a beautiful woman with bushy, brown hair, held in her hands a crystal ball. This crystal ball held the one message of hope, and the battlestation's plans. The woman knew she had to put the ball in a safe place, but where? All of a sudden, a trashcan came rolling towards her. Aha! The perfect place! No one would search a trashcan. She dumped the ball in and ran off."  
  
" Amid the dead bodies, stepped a menacing figure, dressed all in black with a mask. He strode forward to one of his soldiers and motioned for him to bring a prisoner. A terrified-looking man was thrown at his feet."  
  
" "" Do you know who I am?"" demanded the hooded menace."  
  
" "" Y-yes Lord Snape,"" squeaked the prisoner."  
  
" "" Good, then you should know not to cross me. Now, where are the plans?"""  
  
" "" Plans? No plans here. This is a courier ship."""  
  
" "" Really? Then how come your ship tried to evade ours?"""  
  
" "" Ummmm, some guys were watching gratuitus sex videos in the back, and we thought it embarrassing to be caught watching them."""  
  
" "" Really?"" piped up one of the Imperial wizards. "" Where?!"""  
  
" Lord Snape turned his evil glare on the young wizard who promptly shut up. God, Snape thought, If that kid wasn't the son of Moff Lucius, I'd Crucio him, just so."  
  
" He then turned his glare back on the prisoner. "" My men have searched the whole ship and the only videos we found were security tapes that showed you and your men talking about carrying the plans."""  
  
" "" Man, those could have been any plans."""  
  
" "" The plans to the battlestation."""  
  
" "" That could have been any battlestation."""  
  
" "" The battlestation built by Emperor Voldemort, known as the Dark Mark, controlled by Moff Malfoy and currently residing in the Omega Sector."""  
  
" "" That could have been any battlestation built by Emperor Voldemort, known as the Dark Mark, controlled by Moff Malfoy and currently residin."""  
  
" The prisoner's words were cut short as Snape yelled out "" Crucio!"" and began to scream and writhe in pain. When Snape finished, the man looked up and said, "" Oh yeah? If your men looked everywhere how come they haven't found Princess Hermione?"""  
  
" "" Princess Hermione is on this ship?"" questioned Snape."  
  
" "" Oh shi- I wasn't supposed to tell. Ummm.. No, actually she's not. She's.ummmm.somewhere else. Yeah! She's.somewhere else!"""  
  
" "" Feed this man to the dragons,"" Snape ordered. "" And send a squad to look for Princess Hermione."""  
  
" "" Oh yeah! Well now that I'm going to die, I want to say a few words to you. Fuuuuuuuu. no wait that's too harsh. Ummm. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Hah!"" yelled the prisoner as he was being dragged away."  
  
  
  
"The squad decided to look in the one place they hadn't looked. The darkened warehouse full of unmarked man-sized boxes, with a sign over it that said, "" Hiding Place."" Fortunately, for the men, Hermione was hiding behind one of the unmarked boxes, not in it, so they were able to spot her very quickly."  
  
" "" There she is! Now remember men, set your wand to stu- aaahhh!"" screamed the squad leader as he took a hit to the back."  
  
" "" What did he say?"" inquired one of the wizards."  
  
" "" He said to set your wands to stu- aaaahhh!"" screamed the assistant wizard as he too took a hit to the back."  
  
" "" Yeah, that was pretty much what he said. But what does that mean?"" questioned the wizard."  
  
" "" I don't know,"" replied another wizard, "" but my wand is stuck on twirl."" His wand was madly spinning in a circle, and seemed to have no intention to stop."  
  
" "" Well-aaahhhh,"" screamed the first wizard before he could finish his reply."  
  
" With pin-point accuracy, Hermione took out nearly the entire squad before one guy realized what was happening and shot back at her. Hermione ducked, but unfortunately, the spell bounced off a mirror in the back and stunned her."  
  
  
  
" Meanwhile, the two creatures found an escape pod and jettisoned from the ship. The gunners who were supposed to make sure no escape pods escaped were about to blast it out of the sky, when one of them realized the evening news was about to announce the day's jackpot. And today's jackpot was worth 85 million galleons."  
  
"Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling, the story idea belongs to George Lucas. Basically, I plagiarized everything, if anyone gets money out of this, it should be those two."  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

Potter Wars!!!!!!!!  
by Thomas Park (a.k.a. Huey Escobar)  
  
The tiny escape pod hurtled down towards Number 4 Privet Drive. A parachute came out, but before it could unfold, the escape pod smashed into the ground.   
  
Two hapless figures came out and surveyed the vast desert landscape.  
  
"Oh no!!!!! We's in the middle of a waste land!!! We's doomed!!!!" screamed a tinfoil-clad elf.  
  
A trash can, with a tiny owl inside it, hooted happily. It then gave a tiny chirp, and started rolling towards the horizon  
  
"Pigwidgeon! Stop it! We's can't go there. We must find help!" said the elf.  
  
The owl gave a rude blurp and continued rolling away. The agitated elf had no choice but to follow.  
  
***  
  
"$#@TJMr3krhnfe;athesrufheutr?" questioned a goblin.  
  
"ARTailulifehsutfhaeiusltfgreutgfeurrdfgdfsguhyearuwe4rfayegtfukreisgfryurgea rtygare87 taroe7tareo87taretes7rto7ets7o8reyts87retysgyuhfyuh34re7a8oyu3q4ghwar7eo8yres87re," replied another goblin.   
  
The two goblins pulled out rocks, and rushing forward, they threw them at poor Dobby and Pigwidgeon. Dobby and Pigwidgeon were knocked out cold.   
  
When Dobby woke up, he was in a dark room. All around him, he could see former house elves, and moving boxes made of metal. He gave a woeful moan, and proceeded to look for Pigwidgeon.  
  
***  
  
"Harry? Harry? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?" screamed a thin, long-necked woman.  
  
"I'm right here Aunt Petunia," chirped a skinny, black-haired boy, with glasses.  
  
"Well get your ass moving! Uncle Vernon needs you!"  
  
Harry sighed, and slowly walked over to where his uncle was, negotiating with some goblins on merchandise.   
  
" Need any help, Uncle Vernon?" Harry politely asked.  
  
" Harry, where the f*** were you?!?!" Forget it, just tell me if this house-elf is any good or not," bellowed his uncle.  
  
Harry sighed again. To him, forcing elfs to work was nothing more than slavery. But then again, no one listened to him, and the Emacipation Proclamation had no effect where he was. Harry was the only one who knew how to pick the right merchandise, since he was the only one who didn't pick the cheapest one.  
  
"Let's see. Hmmmm...well that gold tinfoil-clad one looks about new."  
  
" Good, yes we'll take this one."  
  
" Uhhh... what else do you need Uncle Vernon?"  
  
"Nothing, I already got a mobile trash can."  
  
The trash can began rolling towards the house when all of a sudden, the wheels flew off. The trash can fell over, and then exploded with a deafening bang,  
  
" Damn, I should have known those were Firestone wheels!" yelled Uncle Vernon.  
  
" Hmmm...shall I pick a new trash can?" asked Harry.  
  
" Excuse me sirs, but I knows a good trash can. Its loyal and it moves on good wheels," squeaked the house-elf.   
  
" Alright then, but if it explodes, you'll be cleaning the owl dung from our roof," said Uncle Vernon.  
  
Dobby picked Pigwidgeon, and since Piwgidgeon moved on Goodyear wheels, the group uneventfully walked to the house.  
  
As Harry was walking near his uncle, he decided to ask him the question that had been burning a hole in his heart.  
  
"Uncle Vernon, now that we got a new trash can and a house-elf, would it be possible for me to go the Academy this year?"  
  
" Absolutely not, This year is harvest year, and those drills aren't going to harvest themselves," was his uncle's curt reply.  
  
" But that new house-elf will help!"  
  
"That house-elf is too short to harvest the good drills. But how about this, you stay on for two more years and I promise you can go to the Academy."  
  
"Really?" said Harry with a look full of wonder.  
  
" Hah! Not likely! I just like to see your sad face when I crush your dreams." And with a cruel laugh, Uncle Vernon walked off.  
  
***  
  
Harry was cleaning the trash can of all the dirt it seemed to pick up. It gave a small hoot, when all of a sudden, it leaned forward and began playing a holographic movie.  
  
A beautiful woman, with brown hair, kept on saying," Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope...Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope..."  
  
Harry sat entranced, and immediately he fell in love. "Hey!" he asked Dobby," Can that thing do other things?"  
  
"Sir, Pigwidgeon can do many things besides storing your waste sir," replied the jittery house-elf.  
  
"Cool. Hey Pig, can you alter that image? You know, make her wear a bathing suit, lingerie, maybe nothing at all?"  
  
Pig gave a rude response, and shut the recording off.  
  
"Wait! Ok, how about you just tune into the Spice channel? C'mon, I'm your owner!"  
  
Pig began rolling away.  
  
"Hmmm...maybe he's got one of those V-chip things. Oh well. Dobby, can you tell me who that person was?"  
  
"Most certainly sir. She is my old master, Princess Hermione. Very nice, except she had to drag us into the Rebellion."  
  
"You were in the Rebellion?!?"   
  
"Well, yes sir. mostly it was boring work...cleaning bathrooms and such."  
  
"But did you see any fighting?"  
  
"Well, not really. I did see one fight, but it was pretty boring."  
  
"Wow. I wish I was in the Rebellion." Dreaming thoughts of glory, Harry went to sleep.  
  
He woke up in the morning, with Dobby repeatedly pulling his sleeve.  
  
"Oh wake up sir! Wake up! Pigwidgeon is gone!!"  
  
" What?!?! Oh crap, Uncle Vernon is going to kill me."  
  
"HARRY!!! Where the hell is that trashcan???? Some Imperial Wizards are coming and I need a place to stash my pot!!" screamed Uncle Vernon as he burst into the room.  
  
"I don't know. I think he ran off. Hey! Maybe he went to look for Minnie McGonagall!" said Harry.  
  
"Minnie? That old coot? Why the hell would you think that?"  
  
"Well, it kept on playing a message asking for help for Minerva McGonagall. Maybe Minnie is a relative."   
  
Uncle Vernon looked uneasy at the prospect of sending Harry to look for Minnie. But the Imperial wizards were coming closer. So he gave a great sigh and said," Go find that old coot."  
  
Inside, Harry gave a whoop of delight. But he knew better than to look happy in front of Uncle Vernon. So with a look that suggested he tried sucking a lemon while getting bitten by a mutant frog, Harry ran out and jumped on his broomstick. It was an ancient Slow-Piece-Of-Crap and it sputtered as it lifted off the ground. Dobby also clambered aboard, so with the extra weight, the broom had a cruising speed slower than that of a caffienated snail.   
  
Fortunately, although Pigwidgeon had Goodyear wheels, they weren't well made for the desert. So it only took five hours for Harry to catch up to it. Little did they know, they were being watched.  
  
"Ugghhhhh, ughghhhh," said one cloaked figure.(Translation: Weird things coming)  
  
"Ugghhghh Urrghhhhh," replied another.(Translation: Smash weird things, then eat at McDonalds. Today only 39 cent cheeseburgers)  
  
***  
  
"There you are Pigwidgeon. Look, I'm sorry I asked you for dirty pictures. I promise I won't do it again. Now will you please come back?" begged Harry.  
  
Pigwidgeon hooted, then turned around.  
  
"Thanks. now listen, we got to get back or else the Trolls will attack us. So..." Harry's words were cut short as a huge figure attacked him with an equally huge stick.  
  
Harry, who used to be a Boy Scout, dropped down and pretended to be dead.   
  
The Troll, who was closely related to the bear, ignored harry and proceeded to rip apart Harry's prized broomstick. But before the Slow-Piece-Of-Crap was damaged any further, a terrible sound stopped the Troll and his companion in ther tracks.  
  
It was the sound of a Hungarian Horntail's mating call. And the Trolls knew better than to be near one of those things when they were horny. So with a great yelp of fright, they dashed off.  
  
Harry still pretended to be dead, when a light tap made him open his eyes. He saw an old woman, with a stern face sotfened by age.   
  
"Minnie?" he asked.  
  
"Rest now boy. The trolls are gone," was her gentle reply.  
  
Harry slowly got up and found Dobby and Pigwidgeon crouching behind a boulder. He turned back to the old lady and said,"We're looking for Minerva McGonagall."  
  
Minnie froze, then a look of deep thinking crossed her eyes.  
  
"Minerva McGonagall. Now that was a name that I didn't hear for a long, long, long, long, long..."  
  
"We get the point. You didn't hear that name for a long time."  
  
"Well if you must be so rude boy," Minnie snapped," I was going to tell you that Minerva McGonagall was me!"  
  
"Well, why did you change your name?"  
  
"A long time ago, the Emperor tried to track down many of us Aurors and kill us."  
  
"Wait a minute. You mean you avoided detection from the most evil man in the galaxy by changing your first name?"  
  
"Well, it wasn't a very thorough search."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyways, I was an Auror, like many others. We were all sworn defenders of the Light Side. And sworn enemies of the Dark Side."  
  
"Ummm, ok. So anyways, I have a message for you."  
  
"Well, we better not stand in the sun any longer. Let's go to my house."  
  
So the group tromped to McGonagall's house, which happened to be a weird-looking igloo type thing. Inside, Pigwidgeon began to play the full message.  
  
"Minerva Mcgonagall, years ago my father knew you as..." immediately the image began to speak really fast and Harry saw that McGonagall was fast-forwarding Pigwidgeon.  
  
"Hey, why are you doing that?" he asked.  
  
"Oh come on. I already know this whole thing, I just need to listen to the good parts."  
  
Finally she stopped fast-forwarding, and the Princess Hermione image began speaking at a regular pace. "...inside this trash can, I have placed the plans to a terrible battlestation. Please, you must get these plans to my father at the planet Hogsmeade. Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope."  
  
A long silence, which was then broken by a loud sound of someone passing gas. Everone looked at Dobby, who smiled sheepishly. McGonagal then looked back at Harry, and said," You must learn the ways of the Auror."  
  
"The Auror?"  
  
"Yes. You must become an Auror like your father, and help me."  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa. My father was an Auror? Then what happened to him?"  
  
"Well...he, ummm..., ahem..." McGonagall then coughed and Harry heard a faint "died."  
  
"He died!?!?"  
  
"Well, actually, he was murdered by the evil Lord Snape."  
  
"Snape?"  
  
"Yes, a former pupil of mines. Unfortunately, he turned to the Dark Side."  
  
"So what you're saying is, you want me to become an Auror so that I can get myself killed by an evil dark wizard? No thanks."  
  
"But don't you want adventure?'  
  
"Yeah, but the prospect of dying doesn't suit me."  
  
" But I need help. I'm too old for this job."  
  
"You don't look that old to me."  
  
"Look kid, I get senior citizen discounts. That's old enough for me."  
  
"But..."  
  
Harry's words were interrupted when McGonagall switched on the T.V.  
  
"Sorry dear, keep on talking, It's just that I love this show."  
  
The T.V. screen showed several Imperial Wizards running around chasing people. Reggae music began playing to the lyrics:  
  
Bad wizards, bad wizards  
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you  
Bad wizards, bad wizards  
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you  
Nobody mon give no break  
Sheriff mon give you no break, no break  
Soldier mon give you no break  
Death Eater mon give you no break   
Bad wizards, bad wizards  
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you  
Bad wizards, bad wizards  
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you!  
  
Then an announcer's voice yelled "Death Eaters! Showing you crime around the galaxy. We go behind the scenes to some of the seamiest places this side of the nebula."  
  
Then a Death Eater introduced himself as Draco Malfoy. The shaky camera followed him as he and some other Death Eaters walked towards a house that Harry recognized as his own.  
  
"Ah we are following a lead saying that the elf and the trash can we're tracking are right here. Ok Goyle, careful with that battering ram. People in position? Alright! Let's move!"  
  
With that, Goyle broke down the door, and several Death Eaters, including Draco, rushed in, followed closely by the camera which jerked erratically up and down.   
  
"Get down motherf*bleep*rs!!!" Get down on the ground. Move it!" Draco yelled.  
  
"What the *bleep* are you doing? Oh *bleep*," yelled Uncle Vernon.  
  
Aunt Petunia shrieked but stopped as two Death Eaters threw her down on the ground.  
  
"All right, hands to the side. No sudden movements. I said no *bleep*ing sudden movements!" screamed Draco as he kicked Uncle Vernon in the side.  
  
"I didn't make any *bleep*ing movements!" bellowed Vernon.  
  
"Don't give me any *bleep* you hear mother*bleep*er?" Draco now had his wand pointed at Uncle Vernon's back. "Now all's I'm gonna do is ask you some questions. You answer them and you won't get no *bleep* from me. Ya hear?"  
  
"*bleep* you," was Vernon's curt reply.  
  
"Piece of *bleep*!" said Draco with a vicious kick.  
  
"*bleep*!" gasped Vernon.  
  
"Alright now. About the questions. Did you or did you not purchase any house-elves or mobile trashcans?"  
  
"I did, but I'm *bleep*ing telling you, that it was *bleep*ing legit."  
  
"Shut the *bleep* up. Now where are these house-elves and trash cans?"  
  
"How the *bleep* should I know? Harry took them! Go attack Harry."  
  
"Yeah whatever."  
  
"I'm telling ya..." Vernon's words were cut off as another Death Eater entered holding a bag filled with dry brown stuff.   
  
"We got some narcotics here sir," he said to Draco.  
  
"Well, well, well. How the *bleep* do you explain this?" Draco asked, holding the bag in front of Vernon's nose.  
  
"Oh *bleep*! That *bleep* ain't mine. It's...it's...Potter's! Yeah, that's right, Potter! That lousy *bleep* mother*bleep*er didn't get rid of that *bleep* like I asked."  
  
"Sure, you stupid piece of *bleep*!"  
  
"Alright! That's enough you *bleep*er!!!" And with a trememdous roar Vernon lunged at Draco.   
  
There was an intense struggle, with several wizards throwing hexes and shouting "*bleep*!" The confusion was made even worse by the camera, which couldn't center the action and kept on moving down to the ground or up at the ceiling.  
  
In the end, the camera once again centered on Draco, who was giving his thoughts on the case.  
  
"Well, we didn't find the things we were looking for. And because of that *bleep*hole's stupidity, we had to kill both him and his wife. However, that mother*bleep*er was a major drug king, and we managed to topple his evil empire. As for all the reefers, we are ah, currently holding them for evidence."  
  
The camera shifted to the side to reveal two Death Eaters who busy smoking what looked like weed. It shifted back to Draco who had an oh-crap experession on hi face. The show then ended.  
  
Harry got up, and immediately ran outside. McGonagall yelled for Harry to stop and said, " It's too late Harry. You can't help your aunt and uncle."  
  
"Who said anything about helping them? I just want to make sure they're dead." And with those words, Harry sped off.  
  
Because the wind was with him, Harry arrived at his house in 4 hours, 59 minutes. AS soon as he saw the house in rubble and his relatives' charred bodies, he began to jump for joy. He took out a tape and put it in a cassette player. The words "Celebrate good times, come on!" began playing. As Harry was dancing, McGonagall finally caught up to hi on her own broomstick. She jumpped off, and slowly walked to where Harry was doing the Macarena.   
  
"Well Harry, now that you have no place to go, will you join me now?"  
  
"Hmmm...well I guess I really have no choice. Will I be able to rescue that beautiful girl and have her fall in love with me, and be a hero who will have a movie made about him that will make millions of dollars?!?!?!?"  
  
"Harry, I can almost guarantee that."  
  
With those words, Harry, McGonagall, Dobby, and Pigwidgeon traveled to the leaky cauldron.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes I own nothing. Harry and crew belong to J.K. Rowling, the idea belongs to George Lucas, Death Eaters is a rip-off Cops, and I will probably post the sequel a week from now. Oh yeah, besides Wizard Worz, what other Harry Potter/Star Wars fanfics are there? And please r/r!!!!!!!  
  
  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

Potter Wars!!!!!!!  
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. grumpy old man)  
  
When we last left our heroes, they are going in search of a bar. Now we go to Princess Hermione, who was captured by the Imperial Wizards. (ominous music plays)  
  
"Now Princess Hermione, I believe the question I'm going to ask you is where is the location of the Rebel base??" said an evil man in a mask and hooded cloak.  
  
"Screw you, you old pervert!" shouted the defiant Princess.  
  
"Oh come on! I mean really. You know you're going to die a terrible death. So let's drop this whole stupid, I'm-so-brave bit."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pretty please with cherries on top? With chopped nuts, whipped cream, and crumbled up cookie things?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Crumbled up Oreo cookies?"  
  
"No! And stop this whole stupid dessert crap!"  
  
"Hmmm... well I believe the time has come for drastic action. Men, bring in plan B!"  
  
"Sir?" asked one of the soldiers. "Not plan B!?!?!?!?!?"  
  
"Yes," replied Snape." Plan B!"  
  
The men looked at each other with fear on their faces. They slowly walked out of the interrogation room, and came back, carrying a man-sized box. Slowly, as if the slightest mistake would kill them, they lifted the top of the box.  
  
A tall, orange, grotesque, amphibious creature with huge ears and lanky limbs, jumped out.   
  
"Hello! Meesa Jar Jar Binks!" said the creature.  
  
"Nooooooooo!" screamed Hermione. "No, you can't do this!"  
  
"I'm the bad guy! I can do whatever crazy shit I want!" yelled Snape. "And if you think that's it..." He clapped his hands, and the Imperial wizards took out a stereo and a T.V. "We'll be playing nonstop hours of Barney on this T.V. And Jar Jar here will dance to the tune of Mmmbop while telling you stories of his family's history! Muwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione braced herself for the oncoming pain. She knew that no matter what, she must be strong. The Rebellion was counting on her.  
  
***  
  
"So is this the place?" asked a young boy with glasses.  
  
"Yes. This is the Leaky Cauldron. Here, we will find the best smuggler pilots unwinding after a hard days work," replied a severe-looking woman.  
  
Just then, several pilots came stumbling out of the bar. One kneeled down and threw up, the other tripped on him. The third one stood there laughing, and began urinating against a dumpster.  
  
Harry mumbled, " The best, huh?" before walking in.  
  
Crazy Muzak music was playing, and Harry saw some of the craziest creatures ever. There were several species with glazed eyes and grungy hair, no wait, those are hippies. Well, there were some weird things out there. Most of these creature you wouldn't see unless you took some 'shrooms or acid.   
  
Harry went to sit down at one of the seats and asked the bartender for a butterbeer. Out of nowhere, a creature with an ass for a face came up to him, and started mumbling.  
  
"What?" asked Harry.  
  
The creature seemed infuriated and began pushing Harry. Just then, a guy who looked like his toddler had gotten hold of a nailgun said,"He doesn't like you."  
  
"Obviously," said Harry. "What's his problem? Did his mouth become constipated?"  
  
"No you idiot! I don't like you! We are WANTED men!!"  
  
"Uhuh."  
  
"Yes. We stole a paper clip from an old lady, and now EVERY imperial wizard is after us. Hahahahaha!!!!"  
  
"Riiiiiight. You know what? I think I will be going now."  
  
"Alright you piece of tofu! I'll kill you!" And with that, the deformed guy lunged at Harry. Harry dodged the guy, who went sprawling into ass-face. The guy got up, and lit a lighter, obviously planning to use it as a weapon. Most unfortunately, the lighter was near ass-face's face, who then farted (or burped, you can't tell with an ass-face). In Nutty Professor-style, the two guys exploded.  
  
"Harry? come on, I found us a ship," said McGonagall, stepping over the pieces of debris.  
  
They walked over to a table, where a freckeled-face man, with flaming red hair, sat. His copilot was an enormous man with shaggy hair.   
  
"How you doin'? The name's Weasely, Ron Weasely" said the red-haired man. "This here's my copilot, Hagrid. He don't know English, but don't worry, i can translate for you."  
  
"What yeh bin' talkin' 'bout? I know 'erfect English!" shouted the huge man.  
  
"See what I mean. He's just asking for money so he can buy more booze. I swear Hagrid, we're going to have to break that nasty drinking habit of yours."  
  
"Oh, the'll be sum breakin' alrigh'. If I didn' need ah job, I'd wring yah neck yeh 'tupid piece of shi'!"  
  
"He's just telling me how much he appreciates my efforts to help him."  
  
"Charming. Listen, we need a ship, a fast ship, that can get us to the Hogsmeade system," said McGonagall.  
  
"Any cargo?"  
  
"Just a house-elf and a trashcan."  
  
"That it?"  
  
"And no questions asked."  
  
"Oh, I get it. Ok, we'll make the trip to Los Angeles, but I'm telling ya, those U.S. customs agents are gonna cost ya."  
  
"No, no, no. We're not smuggling drugs. Listen, just get us to Hogsmeade."  
  
"Alright. But it'll still cost you. Hmmm... 10,000 Galleons?"  
  
"Hell no. I could buy my own ship, house, and personal staff with that kind of money!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"You think I give a damn? 7,000."  
  
"1,000," said Harry.  
  
"5,000, and that's my final offer."  
  
"1,000."  
  
"4,000, and that's my final offer."  
  
"1,000."  
  
"2,000, and that's my final offer."  
  
"1,000."  
  
"1,000, and that's my final offer."  
  
"900."  
  
"500, and that's my final offer."  
  
"100."  
  
"50, and that's my final offer."  
  
"10."  
  
"5, and that's my final offer."  
  
"1 Galleon."  
  
"Deal." Ron then turned to Hagrid and whispered, "Ha, pretty good bargaining, huh? Don't worry, someday I'll teach you that."  
  
Hagrid let out a moan and said," If I negotiated like tha', I wouldn' fear losin' meh money."  
  
"Yes, Hagrid, I know you're hungry."  
  
***  
  
Elswhere in the galaxy.   
  
"So Lord Snape? Your attempts to torture Hermione failed," sneered Moff Lucius. They were in a boardroom, along with every other important goverment official onboard the Dark Mark.  
  
"Don't worry, it's only a matter of time," replied Snape.  
  
"We already gave you enough time. Why haven't you produced any results?" sneered Karkaroff, another government official. Karkaroff was one of those people who can be described by only one word: ass.  
  
"Princess Hermione has a strong will," Snape patiently said,  
  
"Oh, I see. And where is your Power now? Huh?"  
  
"Don't underestimate the power of the Power."  
  
"Haha. Don't make us laugh Snape. The Aurors used the *power*, and look where it got them."  
  
"Oh yeah? The Emperor himself uses the Power so there."  
  
"Yeah, but he knows how to use it. You, on the other hand suck."  
  
Snape could feel rising anger, but decided he had to control it.  
  
"I have had enough of this."  
  
"Ooohhh. Leaving now? Not so brave are you?"  
  
"Please do not taunt me any further."  
  
"Ooh. (in mocking tone) Please don't taunt me any further. Ooh, I'm so scared Snape. What'cha going to do? What'cha going to do? What a loser!"  
  
Snape thought, just remember, they're only words. His thoughts were broken when he felt something pelt his head. It was a peanut. The air became thick with them as Karkaroff began to mercilessly pelt Snape.  
  
"Stop it! I order you to stop it!" Snape yelled.  
  
"Haha, what a dumbass. What's the matter? Can't fight?"  
  
At last, Snape lost his temper. He pulled out his wand and yelled, "Crucio!" Karkaroff began writhing in pain for 15 long minutes. At last, Snape lifted the spell.  
  
Karkaroff, breathing heavily, looked up at Snape, and grinned. "Haha!" he exclaimed. "That's it? What sort of weak shit is that? My grandmother can do a better Crucio than you, and she's dead!"  
  
Snape gave a gasp of frustration.  
  
"Man, this fool is so weak, a neutered fly can kick his ass!"  
  
Slowly, Snape began to turn red again.  
  
"And that's not all. His hair is so greasy, McDonald's fries are considered fat-free compared to it."  
  
Snape pulled open a drawr, which had a remote.  
  
"Also, this jerk-off's nose hairs are so thick, several endangered species have found refuge there!"  
  
Snape took the remote.  
  
"Don't forget how Snape's nose got him sued by the Fruit Loops's Toucan."  
  
Snape aimed the remote at Karkaroff, who was in the middle of saying, "Finally, his dick's so sma-" before his chair jumped up and propelled him towards the ceiling. A chute opened, and Karkaroff went flying through this until he flew out of the space station and into space itself. A few seconds later, Karkaroff's head expanded and blew up. He should have taken Mylanta.  
  
Snape took a deep breath, and said,"Now that the ass has finally left us, let's resume our business of what we're going to do about Princess Hermione."  
  
"Well," said Moff Lucius. "We're near the Hogsmeade system, her former home, and we need to test this battlestation. I'm sure she would love to see a demonstration." With that, Lucius Malfoy gave a cruel laugh. Except for him, the room was silent. Lucius gave everyone a big glare, and then they all started laughing evilly.  
  
***  
  
Princess Hermione silently trudged up to the main viewing deck, flanked on both sides by Imperial Wizards. Already, she was weakened by the torture, but she decided to keep her appearance strong. At last, she saw a group of people containing some of the most hated men in the galaxy.  
  
She smiled sweetly and said, "Moff Lucius, I should have recognized your foul-stench when I came on board."  
  
Lucius panicked and said, "Really?! But the cashier said this deodarant would actually work!"  
  
Snape cut in, "Forget it Lucius. Princess Hermione, notice that blue planet there? It's Hogsmeade, and we are going to test this battlestation's ultimate power on it."  
  
Hermione paled, and said, "You wouldn't. You can't! Hogsmeade is a peaceful planet! We have no weapons, no violence, even M rated video games are banned!"  
  
"Well if you don't want that planet destroyed, you can always tell us where the Rebel base is," said Lucius.  
  
Princess Hermione seemed to be fighting inside, but one more look at her beautiful planet made her decision. She whispered, "Denny'sland," before turning her head down in defeat.  
  
"Excellent. That wasn't too hard was it? Commander, prepare the battlestation. Target: Hogsmeade."  
  
"What?!?!" yelled Hermione.  
  
"So I lied," Lucius nonchalantly said. "Really, did you expect me to spare such a juicy target? What a dumbass."  
  
Hermione yelled, "You dickwad!" but was held back by several Imperial Wizards.   
  
The huge battlestation, which looked like a skull, opened it's mouth. An enormous snake popped out, and then it's eyes glowed green and it hissed. A beam of green light shot from it, and missed Hogsmeade. Instead, it hit the planet next to it.  
  
"You idiot!" shouted Moff Lucius. "That was my vacation house!"  
  
"My bad, sir," repled a cross-eyed man. "I'm an asshole."  
  
"Good God, I thought we stopped hiring your kind after Spaceballs," said Lucius.  
  
"There was an employee shortage, sir."  
  
"Oh forget it. Keep firing, asshole."  
  
The green beam shot out again, this time narrowly grazing Snape's vacation house, but hitting Hogsmeade. The planet exploded in a beautiful display of sparks and movie pyrotechnics.   
  
***  
  
McGonagall suddenly keeled over in pain. Frightened, Harry asked what was wrong.  
  
"I felt a tremendous pain, as if millions of voices cried out in anguish and died."  
  
"Hmmm...sounds to me like gas," said Ron. "My advice is to lay off the Mexican food."  
  
McGonagall glared at him. Ever since she saw his ship, which Harry called a "piece of shit" and saw him make the mistake of crashing into an Imperial search ship, and getting them chased by a million units, she didn't take too kindly to Ron. She turned to Harry, who was practicing with a wand saber, blindfolded.  
  
"Remember Harry, let the Power flow through you," said McGonagall.  
  
Ron scoffed, and Harry, who got bit by the mosquito he was trying to kill, took off his blindfold and said, "You don't believe in the Power do you?"  
  
"Kid, I've been to one end of the galaxy to the other. I've eaten at every kind of fast food joint. I've seen animals with asses for their faces. But I've never heard of some kind of Power that controls things. If you ask me, all you need is a good wand by your side. Not a wand saber."  
  
Harry was just about to respond, when the ship gave a warning beep. Ron ran to the cockpit and announced, "We're here. Hogsmeade, here I come."  
  
The ship exited out right into the middle of a meteor field. Meteors, the size of houses, bashed into the ship.  
  
"You idoit!" We're in the middle of a meteor shower!" shouted McGonagall.  
  
"I don't understand! My compass should work!" shouted Ron.  
  
All of a sudden, a huge jolt shook the ship.  
  
"Uhhh... I think we're caught in a tractor beam," said Harry.  
  
"Not to worry, all I have to do is push the anit-tractor beam. Ok then..." Ron pushed a button, and all of a sudden, the ship accelerated right into the battlestation. "Whoops. I should have taken Pilot's Ed."  
  
Harry just had enough time to say, "You dumbass!" before the ship was engulfed by the Dark Mark.  
  
***  
  
"Sir, unidentified ship captured," said a young Imperial Wizard.  
  
Lord Snape looked at the ship. It was a piece of junk, and already, it was stinking up the hangar. "Quickly search the ship."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Snape saw the young man, in uniform robes and mask, walk onto the deck with a squad. He came out looking shorter, and the other members of the squad looked different also. One of them was way too big and shaggy. The others were too short.  
  
"Did you see anything?" Snape queried.  
  
"Ah no sir," answered the man. His voice had changed too. Also, Snape felt a presence, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Ah, it was probably gas. "Very well then. Carry on men."  
  
***  
  
Harry and gang found a computer that told them everything that happened, and also where the Princess was kept. Ron refused to help until he saw an internet picture of Hermione. And I mean INTERNET picture, if you get my drift. McGonagall decided to take out the tractor beam, and finish some "unsettled business with a pupil of mine."  
  
"See ya McGongall. Have a safe trip," said Harry.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid left Dobby and Pigwidgeon behind to hack into the computer. At last, all was set for their great rescue.  
  
Harry and his group walked to the main prison room. After talking about coffee for some time, Ron got bored and blew everything up. This of course alerted the entire space station to their presence.   
  
"Nice going Ron," panted Harry as he ran.  
  
"Listen, my mom owns a Starbucks. I never want to hear the word coffee again."  
  
They ran and opened every single door. Several convicts, including a guy named Hannibal, escaped before Harry finally found Princess Hermione.  
  
"Princess *huff puff* we found you!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you?" she asked.  
  
"I'm your rescuer."  
  
"Rescuer?"  
  
"Yes there's no time to explain. Come on!" He grabbed Hermione and together they ran to Ron and Hagrid, who were pinned down by an entire army of Death Eaters.  
  
"Any bright ideas?" shouted Hermione over the din.  
  
"Ummm..." Harry's words were cut short by an explosion, and he fell into a trash chute, dragging Hermione down with them.  
  
"Oh no!" yelled Ron. " We got to rescue them! Come on!" he shouted dragging Hagrid.  
  
"'ell no I'ma goi' down tha' 'hute! 'e can' rescue them tha' way!" Hagrid roared back.  
  
"I don't care how you smell! Get down there!" and with that, Ron gave Hagrid a vicious kick on the ass which sent him sprawling down the chute. After a few more seconds of killing Death Eaters, Ron jumped down after him.  
  
To be continued...  
  
A/N Please r/r!!! Next story will be here a week from now!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I ripped everything off. The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Jar Jar and the whole plot line belong to George Lucas. That Spaceballs thing belong to Mel Brooks.   



	4. Default Chapter Title

Potter Wars!!!!!!!!!!!  
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. person who desperately needs more sleep)  
  
When we last left our heroes, they were falling down a garbage   
chute.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
aaaaa," screamed Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Hagrid. They had to   
stop and take a breath to continue.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh  
hh!" With a tremendous thud, they landed inside a stinky pit.   
  
"Oooff," cried Ron as he smashed head-first into a broken   
radiator. The group looked around   
themselves. The place stunk, and pieces of broken metal along with   
thousands of coke bottles littered   
the floor. Evidently, the Imperial army was in desperate need of   
entertainment, since the floor was also   
littered with heroin needles and old pornographic magazines.  
  
"Geez, what a me-" Harry's words were cut short as a thick   
tentacle reached up, coiled around his   
neck, and dragged him under.   
  
"Harry!" screamed the group. They looked for any sign of him under   
the thick sludge. The place was   
silent.   
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, McGonagall was searching for a way to shut down the   
tractor beam.   
  
Sleathily creeping along, McGonagall consulted the map Pigwidgeon   
had printed for her. The   
controls for the tractor beam should be right ahead. She turned   
the corner and groaned. The controls were there alright, but they   
can only be reached by a narrow ledge about 3 inches long.   
  
With great focus and control, McGonagall stepped on the swaying   
bridge that connected to the ledge. A piece of the plank broke off   
and fell into the endless abyss. Finally, after avoiding near   
death numerous times, McGonagall reached the ledge. The controls   
were on a pillar, with the narrow ledge running around it. She   
slowly walked over there, but quickly side-stepped around the   
pillar when she heard a voice.  
  
"Lousy Moff Malfoy. `Modify the tractor beam' he says, `modify the   
tractor beam!' Stupid dumbass, oh why did he have to make the   
ledge so narrow? I mean, he could have put the controls on a wall.   
But no, no. Poor Ernie has to work the controls on a goddamn   
ledge, in the middle of nowhere. Oh, why must life be so   
cruel?!?!?!" screamed a pitiful man who was holding the   
instructions to the tractor beam.  
  
Listening to the man complain, McGonagall had a sudden idea. Using   
her wand saber, she conjured up a banana peel. The man, who was   
busy grumbling, slipped on the peel, and fell screaming into the   
abyss. As he fell, he let go of the instructions, which fluttered   
into McGonagall's hand.   
  
"Let's see now," she said. "To turn off the tractor beam, open up   
the C++ program. Well that should be easy enough," said McGonagall   
as she double-clicked on the C++ icon. "Then, change the constant   
integer variables from 1 to 3, not 2, because 2 will go back to   
the original program. After that, change the Add, Sub, Alpha,   
Beta, and Gamma functions by subtracting the mean from the square   
root of their total parameters. Then change the set width, along   
with the showpoint to scientific notation. Make a second main,   
with bool type and character type. The characters shall be `A',   
`6', and `4'. After that, fry a banana on a canteen, after gutting   
the mudskipper. Then open the "LETSGETITON" virus to erase all the   
work you do. After that, read "War and Peace" and write a   
comprehensive analysis. Merge your data into the works of Charles   
Dickens, and rescue Oliver Twist from the clutches of the evil   
Fagin."  
  
McGonagall stared blankly at the instructions she had just read   
out loud. She then proceeded to follow them as best as she   
could."There, that should do it. Now to run the program." She hit   
the activate button, and immediately she was bombarded by error   
messages. Messages that look like this:  
  
error- syntax function missing from main  
error- possible use of char `A' without definition  
error- banana not properly fried  
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph  
error- Gamma functions missing definitions  
error- mudskipper still alive  
error- definiton missing  
error- syntax missing  
error- missing variables  
error- variables missing definitions  
error- function Oliver not found  
error- HTML format not proper  
error- you're an ass  
error- hahaha  
error- syntax function missing from main  
error- possible use of char `A' without definition  
error- banana not properly fried  
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph  
error- Gamma functions missing definitions  
error- mudskipper still alive  
error- definiton missing  
error- syntax missing  
error- missing variables  
error- variables missing definitions  
error- function Oliver not found  
error- HTML format not proper  
error- you're an ass  
error- hahaha  
error- syntax function missing from main  
error- possible use of char `A' without definition  
error- banana not properly fried  
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph  
error- Gamma functions missing definitions  
error- mudskipper still alive  
error- definiton missing  
error- syntax missing  
error- missing variables  
error- variables missing definitions  
error- function Oliver not found  
error- HTML format not proper  
error- you're an ass  
error- hahaha  
error- syntax function missing from main  
error- possible use of char `A' without definition  
error- banana not properly fried  
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph  
error- Gamma functions missing definitions  
error- mudskipper still alive  
error- definiton missing  
error- syntax missing  
error- missing variables  
error- variables missing definitions  
error- function Oliver not found  
error- HTML format not proper  
error- you're an ass  
error- hahaha  
error- syntax function missing from main  
error- possible use of char `A' without definition  
error- banana not properly fried  
error- "War and Peace" anaylsis lacks ICD and conclusion paragraph  
error- Gamma functions missing definitions  
error- mudskipper still alive  
error- definiton missing  
error- syntax missing  
error- missing variables  
error- variables missing definitions  
error- function Oliver not found  
error- HTML format not proper  
error- you're an ass  
error- hahaha  
  
McGonagall panicked. There were millions of error messages, and   
they kept popping up in little windows. She pressed the escape   
button numerous times, but it failed. Finally, in a fit of anger,   
she slashed the computer with her wand saber. It short-circuited,   
and then exploded in a hail of sparks. Then a computerized voice   
rang out, "Tractor beam, shut down."  
  
***  
  
Our heroes are valiantly looking for Harry.  
  
"Harry?!?! Where are you!?!?!" screamed Hermione.  
  
A ripple shook the sludge, and Harry burst out gasping. "Kill   
*choke* the.gasp..damn   
thing!!!!" he garbled.  
  
"What Harry?" said Ron. " I can't understand you. You have to   
speak more clearly."  
  
"Kill.choke..the..gasp.the.damn..Devil's Snare!!"  
  
"Kill the Devil? Oh, you must mean Diablo. Yeah, it's a great game   
Harry."  
  
"He means `kill the Devil's Snare' you moron!" shouted Hermione.   
She grabbed Ron's wand,   
and with a burst of flames, destroyed the Devil's Snare.   
  
Harry got up, gasping for breath. He said, "Thanks Hermione,"   
before giving a nasty glare   
towards Ron. Ron shrugged sheepishly.   
  
" `ell you guys. `e betta mov' out a her'!" said Hagrid.  
  
  
"Oh Hagrid, no one wants to listen to your nonsense. Well you   
guys. We better move out of   
here," said Ron.  
  
"That's the first good idea I heard from you. Where's the exit?"   
asked Harry.  
  
"Here it is," replied Ron, refering to a heavy metal door. " Hmmm,   
seems to be made of a heavy material. No biggie, a simple Blasting   
spell would do."  
  
Harry shouted "No, wait!" but it was too late. Ron shot the door,   
and the spell immediately   
bounced off. It ricocheted off the walls, zinging everyone, until   
it finally it bore itself into the ground.   
  
Hermione screamed hysterically, "Are you MAD!?!?! You could have   
killed us all!!"  
  
" Oh come on. Don't be such a bitch. How was I supposed to know   
they put a repelling spell   
on it?"  
  
" Well it can't get any worse."  
  
A deep rumble shook the scene. " It just got worse," said Ron.  
  
***  
  
" No Pigwidgeon. Moves your Zealots near the entrance. Thats way,   
theys can help your   
Photon cannons," chirped Dobby.  
  
Pigwidgeon had just hacked into the Dark Mark's mainframe by   
jamming a fork into the outlet.   
After a slight shock, Pigwidgeon was in the computer, and now he   
was playing Brood Wars on Battlenet.  
  
Pigwidgeon gave a rude chirp to Dobby, when the computer rang out   
"your base is under   
attack!" His opponent, Krazyie_Saiyan, had just sent an army of   
Guardians that were destroying Pigwidgeon's Photon cannons.   
Luckily, Pigwidgeon had just finished building a squad of   
Corsairs, and they were now driving back the Guardians.  
  
" Dobby? Pig? Are you guys there??" Harry's voice shouted from a   
walkie-talkie Dobby held.   
  
" We's here sir," replied Dobby.  
  
" Listen, a Robotic Richard Simmons just came out of the door, and   
he's driving us nuts!!!   
Open the garbage doors in, what's that say? Section D, 1423."  
  
"Ok sir. Pigwidgeon, sign off, and open the door in D 1423. Oh   
no!"  
  
" What's going on?" shouted Harry.  
  
" Pigwidgeon is experiencing some lag sir."  
  
" Listen, I don't give a damn. In a minute, we're all going to   
die! Open the goddamn door in   
Section C, 1432!"  
  
Harry and company were slowly being forced to exercise as Richard   
Simmons made them   
move their legs and jump up and down to the tune of bad music. "   
Come on people, work those buns!! Ok now, time for leg lifts!!!"   
Hagrid walloped the evil thing with a piece of metal, but it   
regenerated itself. Soon, they were going to die. "Dobby!" he   
shouted. "Hurry the hell up!!!!!"  
  
"Oh, short-circuit everything!" whined Dobby.   
  
Pigwidgeon gave a turn with his fork, and the entire base went   
black. In a tiny bathroom stall,   
Moff Lucius cried out, " Oh great. The fan and the lights turned   
off. How am I supposed to see Ms. December 99?" He fumbled around   
in the dark, and felt the thing feared by everyone. "Nooooo!!!!   
I'm out of toilet paper!!!"  
  
Harry felt the pressure in his stomach stop. There was an immense   
explosion and Richard   
Simmons blew up. The music stopped, and slowly, the door opened.   
He gave a great whoop, and the whole group let out a cheer.  
  
" Dobby, good job!" He shouted into the walkie-talkie.  
  
" Tis nothing sir."  
  
***  
  
McGonagall quickly ran back to the ship. A sound made her turn.   
She looked around to see a   
hooded figure with a mask.  
  
" So, we meet again," the figure said.  
  
"Severus Snape," McGonagall slowly replied.  
  
" When we last met. I was but a mere. aah screw this, I just want   
to kill you!" Pulling out his   
wand saber, Snape ignited it, and lunged forward.   
  
McGonagall ignited hers just in time and blocked the attack. Snape   
went back, and lunged   
again. The sabers met and crackled with energy.  
  
***  
  
"Everyone out? Good, let's go." With fury, Ron charged down the   
corridor, blasting everything   
that moved, including an innocent cleaning droid and several   
toilet-cleaning trolls.  
  
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" he shouted as he chased down two Imperial   
Wizards. He ran right into a   
room, filled with thousands of Death Eaters.  
  
"Whoops. Sorry to burst in like that. Ummmm. so how about those   
Backstreet Boys? I hear   
they're pretty good."  
  
The responses were millions of hexes fired at Ron. With a great   
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" Ron ran   
down the opposite way.   
  
The whole group ran until they met with Dobby and Pigwidgeon.   
Together they all sprinted   
towards Ron's ship. Everyone boarded but Harry, who noticed a huge   
crowd gathered in the corner. The crowd was hooting and placing   
bets. Harry, peered forward, and saw McGonagall clashing with a   
hooded figure.  
  
Snape shot a spell that rippled the air as it flew. McGonagall   
leaned back and threw her arms   
wildly behind her. She then ran up the wall, kicked off it, and   
landed behind Snape, bashing him on the head. He went down.  
  
McGonagall was about to deliver the finishing kill, when Snape   
yelled out, "Purple-monster-  
people-eater!" She turned around going "Where!?!?!?!?" then Snape   
stabbed her with his wand saber.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. With fury, Harry began   
shooting down the   
Death Eaters. Finally, he decided to run back to the ship when   
Hagrid bashed him on the head and dragged him in.  
  
"Ok," said Ron. "I know what button to press. Mmmmm. eenie meenie   
minnie moe, catch a   
tiger on his toe. If he hollers let him."  
  
"Shut the hell up and GO!" screamed Hermione. And with that last   
word, Ron closed his eyes and slammed a random button. The ship   
shot out of the Dark Mark and into space.  
  
Hagrid looked back and moaned. The Dark Mark was following them. "   
`on, tha' `uge   
`attlestation is followin' us."  
  
"Oh Hagrid. I don't want to talk about the Backstreet Boys. Now   
don't bother me, I'm flying."   
Ron then lapsed into a nap.  
  
***  
  
The ship landed on the planet Rainforest. Ron, being the great   
pilot that he is, snapped 10 trees, and scraped the ground when he   
came in for a landing. Princess Hermione descended first, and was   
hugged by an old man, who was later revealed to be a great   
general. The whole group marched into the Viewing Room, where the   
general was giving a lecture on how to destroy the Dark Mark.   
  
" The Dark Mark is a huge battlestation. So big, it makes Marlon   
Brando look small."   
  
"Wow, that's big," shouted one of the pilots.  
  
"Yes. But despite all these strengths, we have found a weakness."  
  
"There's a weakness in that thing?" asked one of the pilots.  
  
" Well, anyways, using the plans."  
  
"Hey General, you didn't answer my question!"  
  
". stolen by Princess Hermione." At these words, Hermione blushed.   
" we discovered a tiny button,   
  
labeled "Bite Me" which, when activated, will destroy the   
battlestation."  
  
"What the hell? A button that will destroy the battlestation?"   
questioned of the Rebel soldiers.  
  
"You didn't answer my question," shouted another.  
  
" Yes. We believe the designer got into an argument about a raise.   
Anyways, the button is only   
a millimeter wide in diameter, and only a direct hit will activate   
it."  
  
" A millimeter? That's impossible!" shouted another soldier. " You   
still didn't answer me!'   
shouted the persistant soldier.  
  
" It's not that hard," said Harry. " Back home, I had to destroy   
the fleas on my dog. They aren't more than a millimeter wide."  
  
" Yes, well, anyways, one of you people must fly down this trench,   
and shoot these mini-  
torpedos, since the button is ray-shielded. You will use   
fighters."  
  
" What good are fighters against that huge thing?" interrupted   
another pilot.  
  
"And you can't stop ignoring me like that. What kind of general   
ignores his men's questions?"  
  
" JUST SHUT THE FU(censored) UP!!!" screamed the general. The room   
finally became   
silent. The general panted, regained his breath, and resumed   
talking. " The Rebel Alliance is too poor to afford good ships. So   
you assholes have to make do. Got it? No? Good. May the Power be   
with you." With that last statement, everyone left the room,   
except for the soldier who didn't get his question   
answered. The general's answer was a shot to the head.  
  
***  
  
" We will reach the rebel base in 30 minutes," said a Death Eater.  
  
  
" Excellent. Soon, we will crush the rebellion, and I can finally   
open up my own line of fast-food joints," replied Moff Lucius   
Malfoy. " Oooofff, that new Border taco doesn't sit too well with   
my system."  
  
" Yes. This will be a glorius day for the Empire," said Lord Snape   
as Moff Lucius ran into the   
bathroom.  
  
***  
  
" Owl 1 to Owl group. You guys hear me?" questioned their leader.   
  
" Yes sir!" cried Harry enthuasiastically. Finally, here was his   
chance for glory and honor. Since the Alliance was short on   
pilots, and Harry had experience flying, he was allowed to pilot   
the new Nimbus 2000 starfighter. In superb formation, the group   
flew towards the Dark Mark.   
  
Harry's only regret was that Ron refused to fly with them,   
stating, " I got my money. I'm not going to get myself killed on   
some suicide mission. Besides, she hates me." Ron motioned towards   
Hermione.  
  
" She doesn't hate you Ron," said Harry. Hermione waved towards   
Harry, then gave Ron the finger. " Ummm. she's just not used to   
guys like you."  
  
" Really?" Ron said.  
  
"Ummm. no. But I'm sure, given time, she'll grow to like you."  
  
" Hmmm. that may be true. But anyways, I need to pay off Dudley   
the Fat, so I gotta go. See ya."   
  
"Bye."  
  
Harry shook these thoughts out of his head. It was time for the   
battle.  
  
" All fighters in attack formation. Let's go!" screamed Owl   
leader.  
  
" Yee haw!" yelled Owl 3.  
  
***  
  
" Sir? Rebel fighters are attacking the base. Should I prepare you   
escape vehicle?" queried the young attendant.  
  
" Run away? In our moment of truimph? Hell no," answered Moff   
Lucius. He was sitting in a   
toilet stall, with an almost endless supply of toilet paper.   
  
" Well then, should I send out the fighters?"  
  
" I said no."  
  
" Well how about let the gunners shoot them down?"  
  
" I said NO!! And if you ever bother me again, I'll have you   
jettisoned."  
  
***  
  
" I don't get it sir. There's no sign of fighters, and none of the   
gunners are shooting at us," said   
Owl 8.  
  
" Don't worry about it. It's a classic case of The-bad-guys-think-  
the-good-guys-can't-  
possibly-win-so-they're-not-going-to-do-anything-about-it   
syndrome. Just look for that trench."  
  
***  
  
Lord Snape marched out into his comet 260. It's been a long time   
since he flew, and Snape   
was planning to do something rather than refill Lucius's toilet   
paper.   
  
***  
  
Despite the lack of enemies, the Rebel group couldn't find the   
trench. Worse, Ron came to visit.  
  
"Aaaahhh, unidentified ship coming in at 12 o' clock!" yelled   
Harry.  
  
"Harry, Harry, Harry. Please don't get your sense of time mixed   
with your sense of direction.   
Only an idio-aaahhhh" screamed Porkchops as Ron accidentally   
smashed into him.  
  
"Whoops, sorry. The controls are a bit sensitive."  
  
" You dumbass. Watch out men. Incoming!"  
  
Everyone tried to avoid Ron's bad flying, but it was just too bad.   
Then Snape entered the fray. Like the bull in a china shop, he   
destroyed everyone he encountered. There were now only five   
fighters left. " Aaahhhh!!!" Whoops, scratch that. Four fighters   
left. Harry, Wedgie, Hammie, and Owl leader.  
  
" Well men. I guess we have no choice but to fly down that   
trench. I'll cover you guys. Harry,   
Wedgie, Hammie, fly down that trench," stated Owl leader.  
  
" What?!?!?!?" all three pilots yelled.  
  
" Don't question orders. Now go!"  
  
The three pilots dove into the trench, zig-zagging wildly back and   
forth to avoid fire from the   
Comet that was behind them. " Owl leader? How's our cover?" Harry   
asked.  
  
" Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!" came the reply.  
  
" Ok, I think that answers my questions. I do believe we're   
doomed."  
  
As if in response, Hammie's ship blew up. Wedgie took a hit, and   
his ship had to leave. Or so   
he says.  
  
" Well thank you guys!" screamed Harry. " Just remember this   
Wedgie the next time you need   
toilet paper."  
  
" Hey, I saved your life!" replied Wedgie.  
  
" Damn!"  
  
Meanwhile, Snape was trying desperately to target Harry's ship. "   
Hmmmm.the Power's   
strong in this one. Nevertheless, I got you now!"  
  
Snape was about to fire when a clunky junk ship crashed into his   
own ship, which then went off course. He went careening into   
space, screaming " What the hell was that?!!?!?!!?!?"  
  
Ron whooped in reply, and Hagrid gave a great roar.   
  
" Ron! You actually did something useful!" said Harry.  
  
" Actually, I tried to wave to Snape and lost control of the ship.   
Oh well. Now's your chance   
kid. Blow this station up, and let's get the hell out of here!"  
  
Harry was about to reply, when a voice in his head shouted " Use   
the Power Harry." Harry   
went "Huh?" then turned on his targeting computer.  
  
" No Harry. Use the Power. Use the Power."  
  
" I don't know what you're talking about!"  
  
" Listen, use the Power or I'll kick your ass!"  
  
All of a sudden, Harry realized what he must do. He turned off his   
targeting computer, and.  
  
" Harry? What the hell are you doing??? You're flying away from   
the battlestation!"  
  
" Trust me Ron, we have to get out of here before the   
battlestation explodes."  
  
" But you didn't do anything yet!"  
  
" Trust me."  
  
Harry finished typing the last part of his program. He then hit   
the Send button for his e-mail.  
  
***  
  
" Rebel base is within range, " intoned the computerized voice.  
  
" Finally. Target the base, and prepare to fire," commanded Moff   
Lucius.  
  
Elsewhere in the battlestation, a lonely man by the name of   
Gilderoy Lochart sat crying at his   
desk. He had once been the greatest playboy ever, but that was   
then and this is now. Now, he's just a *sob* washed-up has-been.  
  
" You've got mail," shouted the only voice that'll listen to him.  
  
Lockhart looked up. What was this? Mail? For him? He clicked on   
the icon. Hmmm. the mail   
was titled LETSGETITON. Who could it be? Maybe it was one of his   
old lovers, willing to rekindle their former flame. He double-  
clicked on it.  
  
***  
  
The Dark Mark, floating ominously in space, exploded in the most   
fantastic display of sparks   
and fireworks. Everyone on the rebel base gave a great cheer. As   
soon as Harry, Ron, and Hagrid returned, they were mobbed by a   
great crowd.   
  
Hours later, in the Great Hall, Harry, Ron, and Hagrid marched   
down the line between the   
Rebel soldiers. Why Ron, the person who killed all their men, got   
a medal, was unexplainable, but no one cared. Hermione fixed her   
hair, and she was beaming as she gave them their medals. She had   
to slap Ron though, because he was trying to peer down her low-cut   
dress. Everyone whooped, cheered, and clapped. The Rebels threw   
the longest party ever, complete with booze, and lots of people   
going   
into bedrooms and coming out looking ruffled, and all was well in   
the galaxy.  
  
The end, or is it?  
  
Far away, Snape's ship drifted until it was picked up by another.   
He walked out, looking very   
gaunt and tired. He trembled as he fell down his knees, and   
crawled to his master.  
  
" Master, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry for my failure."  
  
"Get up," commanded a cruel voice.  
  
Snape slowly stood, but he still trembled.   
  
" Though the loss of the Dark Mark disappoints me, I have a new   
goal for you."  
  
" What is it my master?"  
  
" There is a new player in the field. His name is Harry Potter."  
  
" Yes?"  
  
" Kill him. Oh, and go pick up a bag of Doritos will you?"  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Star Wars.blah blah blah blah.too tired   
to write. Oh well, let's just say   
that J.K. Rowling and George Lucas deserve credit, not this tired   
loser here.  
  
A/N Yes. I finished it. Whoopeee. I may or may not write a sequel   
to this, it all depends on the reviews I get. Hope you guys liked   
it. My friend didn't. So I rewrote the whole damn thing. Oh well.   
Tried the HTM thing, didn't work for some stupid reason. Oh well   
again.  
  
  
  
  
  



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